I have a little (big to me!) testimony to share. The truth is, the work isn’t done, and the hard thing isn’t over, but the Word of the Lord through the hard has been so incredibly apparent, it’s already a testimony, whether the hard is done yet or not. I was reminded today again that the word of our testimony is so powerful…we overcome by the word of our testimony and the BLOOD of the Lamb. (Revelation 12:11) Why wouldn’t we share when we have even the slightest testimony in Him…it’s overcoming power that we can’t afford not to. We already have the blood of the Lamb from Jesus’ death on the cross…He sacrificed Himself for us that we might live, allowing His blood to pour from His own veins to wash us, cleanse us, heal us, make us NEW, and give us overcoming power when we walk with Him here on earth.
The kicker is, not every story ends up in health and wholeness physically. Becoming “new” in Him, doesn’t always mean physical newness. Quite the contrary actually…but every story in Jesus, ends in hope, joy, wholeness in Him, restoration on the inside, and new mercies every morning, which are far more valuable than physical health and comfort here on earth. I’m beginning to see that more clearly.
After having issues with some “growths” (fancy people call them dysplasia) for months (9, to be exact), some had formed in to a category 1 of 4…4 being cancer. These growths were causing quite a bit of discomfort physically and just really messing with my life in all sorts of ways that I won’t go in to. After seeing multiple doctors, going through all sorts of tests, being poked and prodded, 1 surgery already, and another way more invasive one coming up, I started to beg the Lord. You know that feeling? Our dog got hit by a car 2 weeks before my “big” surgery and I’m having to tend to her night and day as well, just adding another element to my already over the top dimension of stress.
I was at that “Lord, I’m at my end” point. “I can’t deal with another thing. There’s a pandemic going on, on top of the world seemingly falling apart and I’m dealing with THIS?! Really? I’m tired, Lord. I’m just tired and what I’m about to face seems far bigger than I have the grace for right now. HELP, PLEASE.” The truth is, the grace IS there…I was just struggling to feel the fulness of it.
I cried at the Doctor’s office when they told me what was going to have to happen. I’m not a public crier when it comes to stuff like this. When it comes to praying for people, I sob like a baby, but not to Doctors or strangers. I had fasted the week before the appointment, spending time in the Word and praying for healing for myself and so many others around me I know need healing. I felt “unction” on my prayers! I felt like the Lord was moving, working, and He was, I’m sure, but physical healing for me wasn’t one of the things He did. One day, I’d like to know what it was He did from those prayers…it has to have been good and I hope I get to see it!
It happened to be the week of Rosh Hashanah, leading up to Yom Kippur, and my appointment was the next day. I’m not very well versed in the Jewish holidays, but I knew there was relevance. I fasted on the day of Yom Kippur and felt the most grace to fast and pray than I had all week. My appointment came, and I fully expected the Doctor to say, “here’s a simple fix and you’re golden!” And that would be my healing. Done. Capput. Over. Instead, I heard “to prevent any more potential cancer from forming, we need to do an extensive surgery to clean out, reconstruct, and get rid of any potential tissue that might be vulnerable to cancer.” It meant a 4 week healing process and serious pain. I totally wasn’t expecting to hear this. Need you to feel the weight. It hit me hard. It hurt. I had fasted and prayed and repented and knelt before the Lord and turned from every wicked thing in me I could and begged for help.
Well, He answered. It wasn’t what I was really hoping it would look like, (lol, but not really) but it was the beginning of the answer. I walked out of that office so discouraged, holding back tears so hard knowing I had to call my husband and give him the discouraging news. I got in my car and just sat there. I looked on my hood and there was a blue butterfly. Weird. I don’t feel like I see many butterflies anymore around here and my dad and I were just talking about butterflies and how they seem to be coming back. There weren’t any botanical gardens or anything like that around where you’d normally see butterflies. Just a dull, black, paved parking lot with doctors’ offices all around, smack in the middle of a city. I looked at the butterfly and knew it’d probably fly off when I start the car.
I pulled out, got my phone and called my husband. As I was talking, the butterfly stayed on the hood of my car. I drove faster as I got out of town. It stayed. It actually pulled it’s wings down flat to avoid the wind resistance to stay on the car….. It made me go, “hmmm, a blue butterfly. I need to pay attention to this and look up the meaning of a butterfly.” It was one of those times where your spirit tells you “PAY ATTENTION!” And I’m so thankful I did.
The rest of that day was pretty much mush…processing with my hubby and family and some tears. The next morning, I woke up and the Lord said “blue butterfly.” So, I immediately started looking up the meaning of a butterfly in Biblical terms. Do you know what a butterfly represents?! The RESURRECTION! New life, out with the old, in with the new, joy, hope, and LIFE! Let me add, there had been some set backs in my life over the last year, that I have felt very convicted of…had been taunting me because I’d allowed some things to get before Jesus. Part of my fasting was for those things to be null and void, and for the Lord’s grace to overcome them. Now, I repeat, a butterfly represents the Resurrection of JESUS, He took on our sins to make us new. He came out of that tomb a cleansed man of all of our sin…whole, complete, sinless, and perfect in God’s sight. That was what that butterfly symbolized! Now, I’m not one to over spiritualize things when it’s not really a thing, but when the Lord speaks to ME, He speaks through symbols, through signs, through “parables” that cause me to seek Him out. I’ve always loved that about Him and loved the process of searching because He knows what I need to know it’s Him. This was Him. I was instantly encouraged. My soul lifted. My heart swelled and I knew, no matter what, He was with me and speaking to me. In that moment, I knew I was good. Just one word from my Father and I can go on. Just one word from His heart and I have the courage to do (almost) anything…just speak to me, Lord and I can do this because I know YOU are with me.
So, this “revelation” reminded me of the verse that talks about “after you have suffered a little while, He will restore you.” So, I looked it up. It’s 1 Peter 5:10…”And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you STRONG, FIRM, and STEADFAST.” whoa. This surgery and these past months have been some physical suffering. It’s not as bad as some have it, I know, but it’s been hard. He will make me strong. He will make me steadfast. He will make me firm. Heart moved.
So, that made me want to read the whole chapter of 1 Peter again, just to get context to why that verse was there. I start reading 1 Peter 1…the last half of the first verse…”In His great mercy He has given us NEW BIRTH into a living hope through the RESURRECTION of Jesus Christ from the dead.” YESSSSS!!!! The EXACT same thing He spoke through the butterfly. By this point, I was listening HARD and wanted more! Lord, You’re so good to speak to me like this and encourage my heart! What an amazing Father who loves to speak to His children!! Later in 1 Peter he talks about how sufferings and trials have come so that my FAITH may be poured out genuine and result in praise and honor!!! (I’ve searched out suffering in the Bible many times and “knew” these verses, but didn’t “know” them, if you know what I mean.)
So, then I realize it was a blue butterfly. Hmmm, wonder what the significance of blue is. So, I look it up. Blue symbolizes the “healing power of God.”
STAAAAP IT. SERIOUSLY?! HEART MELTED. TOTALLY UNDONE. JESUS IS SO GOOD TO ME. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW GOOD. It was one of those moments when you go, “God, I don’t know how anyone couldn’t believe in you…when You, in Your kindness speak so intimately, so tenderly, so deeply to our hearts when we search You out, how could anyone NOT believe?!”
Needless to say, I think I’m gonna get a blue butterfly tattoo. 🙂 As cliché as they are, I DON’T CARE! BIG OL’ BLUE BUTTERFLY TATTOO ON MY FACE! haha Just kidding. But probably seriously a blue butterfly tattoo…somewhere where I can see it and it reminds me. He tells us to remember His works, to remember what He’s done for us! I’ll remember the blue butterfly and I’ll remember what it did for my heart!
But, more! A few days later, a neighbor was walking by our house with his young kids, one who’s about 4. She says, “Jooooddddy!!” I said her name loudly back as they were coming in to hearing range. She yells as she gets closer, “YOU LOOK NEW!” I said, “do you mean my car looks new?” She says, “No! YOU look new!” All the feels right here. Are you tracking with me?! If you are, you know by now, this is not a coincidence. The Lord spoke through that little one’s mouth to my heart in a deep way. I was moved. I was on the verge of tears and had to cut the conversation short (why do I do that?! Should have just let ’em roll. Ugh.). I wonder what she would have said if we’d kept the convo going. But that was all I needed…it was astounding confirmation of what the Lord had been speaking to me already…He will make me new, restored, firm, steadfast, out with the old, in with the new. Selah
Over the next few days, I see a butterfly every day for 3 days. I normally don’t see any. I take note of each one. Our dog gets hit by a car and breaks her pelvis. I’m on a high from the Lord, but physically and emotionally, can’t take much more in the flesh. She’s crying all day. I can’t do anything for her expect sit next to her and pet her, comforting her. I’m overwhelmed. It’s less than 2 weeks before the big surgery and my heart didn’t need this! Lord, what are You doing?! I can’t do this by myself while my hubby and kids are at work and school. I break down. Again. Can’t. Even. Deal. So easily, I was back there again. After so long of trials, it seems we should be hardened a little to them, able to bear them a little easier, and not let things get to us quite so quickly…but though my spirit was encouraged, my body and mind were tired (the issues had been causing alot of interruption in my sleep for months).
We had a family pow-wow and I was inspired by the possible help of one of my kids with the care of the dog and inspired to go on…which is one of the major big “good in the sitch” things that happened through that whole ordeal, but reality was I’ve been overwhelmed with the mama heart I have and tending to this dog that our whole family loves so much…then another issue arises with my health and I’m back at the Doctor’s office. I’m worn. I’m tired. Did I say that? I’m tired. I’m worn. I’m tired. I’m worn. I’m overwhelmed.
I go see my Doctor who is a believer. I explain I’m having this issue and I’m scared crapless that I’m going to have to deal with more than just this one issue. We get through the appointment, and he says, “I was reading James this morning. It said, ” Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anthing.” (James 1: 2-4)
I had asked the Lord on the way to the appointment for some encouragement. “I don’t deserve it, God, but in Your mercy, would you speak to me today and encourage my heart?”
There it was. Consider it pure joy. He said, in half sarcasm, but half reality, “You’re so lucky! You’re getting lots of trials to produce perseverance! You’re so lucky!” ha
I wasn’t instantly encouraged by this, but knew it was God speaking to me to change and shift my perspective…these trials, if I let them, are producing something good in me, something unto Him, a good thing unto Him. If I let Him, and choose to see them differently He will work perseverance in me! What HOPE! I don’t have to go through hard things for nothing. Without Jesus, hard things are unto nothing…blank, void of any hope or joy, just pain. With Jesus, trials are producing something good in me. They are not unto nothing. My outer body may be seemingly falling apart, but my inner man is being strengthened in new life, hope, joy, perseverance, endurance, character, and HOPE! What JOY! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Hours later, I’m facilitating a Bible study I’m a part of and the study is on Romans 5:3-4 “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, becasue God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
I feel like I talk about suffering alot. But, ya know, if we’re honest, I think we’d all say we have our fair share. If God’s narrative to produce good things in us seem to come from suffering, why wouldn’t we talk about it alot?! If that’s one of the avenues He uses to change my heart and produce good, hope, perseverance, all the stuff, then I SHOULD seriously be happy about the trials. And at this moment, though I’m tired, I am learning that weird tension of joy in my heart that He’s working in me and hasn’t left me alone, and being physically and even emotionally tired. I’m thankful for the joy though. I’m thankful He doesn’t leave me to myself and comes after me with zealous fire because He loves ME that much. I wouldn’t feel loved if He didn’t. If everything was always “Happy, happy! Joy, joy!”, I wouldn’t be given the opportunity to become more like Him. The “TESTING of my faith produces steadfastness.” Not the leaving my faith where it’s at.
John 16:33 “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have OVERCOME the world.” Praise You, Jesus! You have overcome the world and make way for us to come close to You, to grow in You, to have hope and a future. Amen.
Jody Simmons 