Alone at Night

Have you ever walked in the woods alone at night?

I hadn’t either because I was always WAY too afraid. The woods…Northwest Arkansas’ hilly, mountainous terrain, perfect for all sorts of animal life, like bobcats, mountain lions, bears. You’re stupid to even be out there.

I’ve never been able to walk in the dark for more than a few seconds (by myself) without looking behind me…feeling this rising up fear, that something’s back there and I need to look to make sure I’m not about to be mauled or slashed to pieces by a serial killer who decided to be in my woods, on my street, that night and cut me in to tiny pieces and spread me out over my yard….or by a cheetah, or lion, in my woods because rabies has surely suddenly broken out, suddenly, the nights I choose to walk late.

I hate it.  FEAR.  I’ve lived with it all of my life.  I HATE IT WITH A PASSION.  I WANT TO SLASH IT WITH A DULL, UNEVEN BLADE MAKING IT BLEED AND BLEED AND DIE A SLOW DEATH.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  We got some discouraging news (again) tonight about one of our kids.  My hubby’s out of town, as usual, and I rolled my eyes through fighting back tears of an unknown future and the reality I had to present the news to my son, without backup, while my youngest was playing a basketball game and family was waiting in the stands for me to return.  What do you do?  If I’d been writing for the last 14 years, you’d know that every time my husband goes out of town for any amount of time, it seems something goes wrong…someone gets sick, I get sick, someone has a dramatic meltdown, someone gets broken up with, someone’s car breaks down and no one is available to help, we get bad news about someone’s life, someone is up all night throwing up, someone is up all night crying, someone is up all night in fear, something out of the ordinary….  basically, I have felt like the Lord has said, “am I your rock or is your husband your rock?” for the last 14 years after marrying the person who became my rock after not having one.  Little did I know, Jesus was jealous for that position and wouldn’t give it up to anyone else.  Oh, Jesus!  Ok!  I love you too!  I DO, I DO, I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I walked in the woods tonight after some hard, unknown news…news you have to wait for a few days to find out, news about someone you love…HARD.

I walked in the woods and I wasn’t afraid of what was behind me.  I wasn’t afraid of what was behind me.  I wasn’t afraid of what was behind me.

I didn’t need to turn the flashlight around and check if the serial killer was there.  I didn’t need to turn the flashlight around and make sure the strange, mauling mountain lion (which we have in our very woods and has been seen!) was there.  I didn’t.

I stopped.  I listened to the woods, the night, creation.  I’m so thankful I can hear creation where we live without the sounds of people, to be honest. Have you ever heard the rustling of the woods in winter, especially at night?  The rustling of the dry, dead leaves that are getting ready to come back even stronger and more beautiful, more robust and thick, more green and hanging on like never  before to the tree, the foundation they’re attached to that is giving them their very breath and life???

The rustling…it’s quiet.  It’s still.  It pulled me away from every worry, every fear, only because Jesus, Himself, is in the wind.  Jesus, Himself is in creation.  Jesus, Himself…my ONLY  hope.  My only comfort and peace.

We could go all sorts of ways with this post…deep in to how important it is to not be ashamed or forget your last because if you forget where you’ve been you won’t know where you’re going (or something like that), or how what’s happened before can’t hurt us anymore because we’re wiser and have grown and become one more step forward like Jesus, or how because I’ve been through a few hard things I’m not afraid as much and that’s amazing. But really I just waned to leave it right here. My God is in the wind. My God is in me. My God has not left me alone to do life without any help or extra heart girthing grace (is that a thing? It is now.). Yep, it’s true. He gives us heart girthing grace WHEN we need it. Not before or after, but when we need it, it’s always been there.

He doesn’t fail us. He doesn’t leave us. He doesn’t make us do it alone. We need to recognize the mercy in the grace He gives and pick it up and hold on to it.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.” (Isaiah 41:10)

If you don’t know Him, please ask me how you can.  I’d love to share my Jesus with you.